The weather is grey, overcast and drizzly, which never helps, and it’s also my late dog’s birthday – she would have been 14. She passed just under a year ago, and she meant the world to me.. I know I’m still not over her dying, even though in some peoples opinion she was ‘only a dog’. Well she was my world for 13 years, and was the only constant friend I ever had who stuck with me through thick and thin. I feel awful because she’s buried in the garden – I had planned to make it a beautiful tribute to her, but instead it’s turned into an overgrown mess which I can’t face tackling…. I just wish I was one of those people who gets on with things, instead of procrastinating all the time, and dwelling in self pity and lazyness… agghh!

So anyway, I have a kitchen FULL of washing, the cat flap is broken and an evil tom cat keeps getting in and peeing everywhere, my son is bored at being cooped up, and I have 3 months worth of uni work to cram into 14 days- I haven’t done any today incidentally. I keep getting my books all set out, and then getting distracted by… well by anything really! If I don’t complete and pass this course I will have to pay the uni back the £600 they gave me for my pc and internet access, so I suppose that should be a pretty good motivator!

I’m also feeling like the worlds worst mother – I’ve barely interacted with DS today, and I’m getting really stressy whenever he asks me for something. Haven’t snapped at him yet, but I’m finding it difficult. I don’t know why I find it so hard – I love him to bits, and yet I guess I’m just not particularly maternal. I’d love to go back to work – perhaps then I’d appreciate the time we spend together, and stop feeling so desperate for adult company.. more likely I’d feel even guiltier than I do normally though!

Anyway – since this is just another distraction I’m using to avoid things, I’m going to wrap it up, and stick a load of washing in! Oh the glamour!

This blogging thing is strange – I don’t think I have the hang of it yet. I just don’t know what to write. I was hoping that I would be able to pour out how I was feeling, and that seeing it in print would put some perspective on things… but I have never been gifted when it comes to the written word, and I’m struggling! Lol!

Nothing planned for today – would love to go and do something exciting with DS, or get stuck into my studying or housework.. but I just can’t find the motivation. Things could be a lot worse though I guess, and that is something that I need to keep at the front of my mind – just how lucky I actually am to have my home and family, food, clothing etc etc – all the things we take for granted.

On that note, I will away to attempt to rouse myself into doing something productive!

I figured writing stuff down might help

Depression rules me at the moment

Or at least it rules me today

Not every day though…

I was supposed to have family visiting this weekend, but got blew out at the last minute – they are instead staying with my sister…. hmm.. rejection from your own family – nice. Naively, I thought I might still figure in their plans for the weekend, since I am on my own, and have no friends or transport, and a 2yr old DS to entertain… but nope – I get left dogsitting..

Maybe tomorrow will be better